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12 Steps to Conflict Resolution

"In the right key one can say anything. In the wrong key, nothing; the only delicate part is the establishment of the key."
—George Bernard Shaw

Do you have anyone in your life who drives you nuts? Maybe it is a child, a spouse, a friend, a co-worker or a parent. Well, if you are like most people you do have one or more people like that in your life. I want you to get a picture of that person's face in your mind as we begin this article because I want you to think about how you apply these principles of conflict resolution to your relationship.

These principles have worked wherever I've taught them in dozens of countries around the world. So, think about how you can put them to work and see broken relationships become whole!

The Word of God says, "strive to maintain the unity of faith," "be perfected in unity," "esteem others higher than yourself," "admonish a brother in a spirit of humility," "be reconciled first to your brother," "if you're offended go to your brother and speak to him," "forgive one another," and "speak the truth in love."

From these and many more passages we see a strategy and principles for resolving conflict. In this article I want to coach you on 12 steps to resolving conflict. First, let me give you the 12 steps in summary form and then I'll unpack them.

12 Steps to Resolving Conflict

• Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.
• Address your anger appropriately.
• Seek understanding, not victory.
• Assume the best.
• Learn to share your feelings appropriately.
• Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
• Speak the truth respectfully.
• Attack the problem, not the person. Don't use "You" statements; use "I" statements.
• Deal with specific areas, not generalizations.
• Seek and grant forgiveness.
• Deal with conflict personally. Go to that person. Don't reprimand anyone in front of others.
• Be gentle. People are fragile.

Now, that you have an overview of the principles, let me give you a little more practical application of these.

1. Learn to embrace and resolve conflict. How was conflict handled in your life growing up? Did your family deal with it in a healthy way or didn't they? It's important to think about this because most of us tend to respond to conflict the way our families did, or we overreact and go to the other extreme.

The tendency is for us to react by "Fight" or "Flight." We can get abusive on the one hand or run away, deny and hide on the other. Both of these processes are unhealthy and never resolve conflict. Remember, the goal is to embrace conflict and resolve it.

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