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Book Discussion: First Comes Love, Then Comes Money
Bethany and Scott Palmer, 'the Money Couple,' offer ways that couples can talk constructively about finances.| Outcomes, Winter 2009
These days, the financial stress put on married couples is higher than ever. Outcomes editor in chief W. Scott Brown recently interviewed Bethany and Scott Palmer, also known as "the Money Couple," about their latest book, First Comes Love, Then Comes Money (HarperOne, 2009), to learn more about how couples can deal with financial conflict before it leads to crisis. The Palmers are financial advisers who help lead the retirement planning company Envoy Financial, which serves some 650 ministries and 12,000 clients.
What's the core message of First Comes Love, Then Comes Money?
Bethany: We want to help save relationships. According to several studies, some 75 percent of divorced people cite money problems as the reason their marriages ended. We know that solving these problems can go a long way in helping couples stay together—and be happy about it.
Scott: We're financial planners, so we've met with thousands of couples who are having some kind of money crisis. In nearly every situation, the money isn't the problem. The problem is that couples simply don't know how to communicate about their finances in healthy, productive ways. This book is about helping couples develop strong financial communication skills.
At the same time, we want to give our readers hope that they can recover from whatever financial crisis they are in by working together. They just need someone to show them how and help them believe they can do it. We believe there isn't a relationship that can't be saved when both partners are willing to make real changes in the way they communicate about money.
What inspired the book?
Scott: Bethany and I have 35 years of combined experience in financial planning. We've sat with couples and prepared the perfect budget, laid out the perfect retirement plan, gotten college paid for and houses bought—and then watched those couples show up six months later to divide their assets, because they are getting divorced and blaming their financial problems for the breakup. But the real problem wasn't the money; it was a lack of financial communication that typically leads to something we call "financial infidelity."
That's a powerful phrase. What does it mean?
Scott: Financial infidelity is anything you hide from your spouse, from having secret credit cards or stashes of cash, to fudging on how much you spent at the grocery store, to controlling your spouse's spending, to draining the retirement account to pay for your new car. We meet with a lot of couples who think a little lie here or a secret checking account there is no big deal. But that's the kind of stuff that ruins relationships.
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