Beyond Date Nights

Leading at home with intentionality while leading your ministry, too
Greg Leith

"He planted a witness in Jacob, set his Word firmly in Israel, then commanded our parents to teach it to their children so the next generation would know, and all the generations to come—Know the truth and tell the stories so their children can trust in God, never forget the works of God but keep his commands to the letter" (Psalm 78:5-7, The Message).

It was late morning on a chilly February weekday and I was home alone. In just a few months, thousands of ministry leaders would gather at "CMA Orlando," where we were calling ministry leaders to re-ignite the passion of their call. My team was deep in preparation and I was bone-tired.

Something was bothering me deep inside. I was preparing to proclaim, through a hundred plus seminars and keynote sessions that we should lead with intentionality in our ministry worlds. I was busy training the next generation of leaders; the problem was, all of them were at work and none of them lived within the four walls of my house.

I began walking through the rooms of each of my five children. I felt I needed to peer into their worlds to search for clues to reconnect. I'd lost touch somewhat with the future ministry leaders God had entrusted to me right under my nose … my family!

I saw the names of my daughter's friends written on her mirror; the header said, 'pray for' and each friend was listed. She was doing a great job at making prayer a priority. I had no idea she was doing this, nor did I know any of her friends very well. One of my son's rooms had music gear in it and another had the beginnings of beautiful artwork. I was unaware that there was a budding musician and an artist right down the hall from me.

That summer, I began to set up intentional connection times once a week with each of my five kids. I tailored the times to my schedule and their preferences. I was stunned to realize that my oldest daughter and I only had 104 weeks left before she headed for college.

The Lord impressed me to create a Sunday morning coffee-shop time with my 16-year-old daughter Shannon, and we met for two years at Tully's coffee shop. I called my time with Shannon "104 H2H Connect," for the 104 weeks we had left for a 'heart to heart' connection. We talked about everything from boys to the Bible, from apologetics to mission trips. I could now help forge her worldview, as she was heading out on her own.

For my two boys, one 11 and the other 13, McDonald's was our place to meet. At 7 a.m., we opened our Bibles, unpacked problems, answered questions about life and prayed together, as people rushed in and out around us. My 11-year-old daughter and I chose our family room at home and we learned to study the Bible, and I tried to apply scripture to her life.

"Where am I going to find the time to invest in my family?" you ask. God invented time, and God invented you with certain gifts and things he wants you to accomplish with those gifts. He didn't give you more things to do than he gave you time to do them in.

The earthly system of time management says your time is directly proportional to your effort, your intelligence and your strength. Kingdom math says God infuses our effort, intelligence and strength with his supernatural power, and when the Holy Spirit gets into the equation, the effect is exponential in terms of kingdom impact and outcomes.

The psalmist says we are to "Know the truth and tell the stories so their children can trust in God."

Someday, I'll be able to look back on 104 weeks of coffee shop visits and dozens of McDonald's breakfasts, and appreciate how God's promise came true in my children's children. Talk about a wise investment of time—and raising up the next generation of Christian leaders.

Ways to Integrate Ministry and Family

1. Be intentional about leading your family. Which children most need your attention? How can you reward great performance in your family? What are your family goals?
2. Invest time in creating a family mission statement that will guide your family with equal fervor as does your ministry mission statement.
3. Get to know and understand your kids. You understand your direct reports in ministry; you know their strengths and you have a development plan for their career. Now it's time to understand your children in the same way. What do you want them to learn spiritually this year? Get to know their individual love language and speak in those terms. Read 5 Love Languages of Teenagers, by Gary Chapman. Create a development plan for each of them, together with your spouse.
4. Retreats and celebration events are the norm at your ministry. Create a 'passage weekend' for your kids as they enter their teenage years. Use Passport2Purity, a simple to use, do it yourself weekend guide from Family Life. To begin our dating conversations with my two boys, we took a little excursion to the USS Midway, a battleship harbored in San Diego, where we spent the morning talking about Every Young Man's Battle, by Kenny Luck. They'll remember for years to come how they're in a battle where the culture is attacking their minds on a daily basis, and they must prepare and fight to win the battle for the Lord's glory.
5. Pray together in the morning. If you're not a night person and have trouble tucking kids into bed and praying, get your kids up 10 minutes earlier than normal and pray before their day starts.
6. Create a 'Quiet Time Chart' with check boxes and post it on the refrigerator for the whole family, and see how mutual family accountability can increase how each family member does at meeting with God regularly.
7. Have your teenage children work through God's biblical blueprint for relationships prior to being able to date. Work on it together on Saturdays over coffee or at the beach. Make them dig hard to mine the truth of God's principles so they form a solid worldview.
8. Build into your children's lives by writing them encouraging letters, especially at life milestones like their first mission trip, their first date, or a graduation from Junior High. Point out how you see the progress of their spiritual formation, and praise their accomplishments.
9. Give your kids a descriptive name that creates a vision for how you see them impacting the world for Jesus Christ. Whenever I want to encourage our kids, I call them by their world-changing name; for instance, Jason is 'A Light in Dark Places,' Shannon is 'A Friend to Many,' and Heather is my girl who 'Cheers Up the Whole World.' Keep reminding them of how you see them making a difference for Christ.
10. Use technology to enhance relationships. The era of the Jetsons is pretty much upon us! Your ministry travel schedule may take you away, but it doesn't mean you can't be connected. Connect with your family throughout the day via cell phone, email, webcam and e-cards. Invest a mere $50 bucks in a webcam so you can connect visually in the evening if you're on the road. Call up between appointments just to say hi!
11. Send your kids great Christian articles you might be reading based on their unique interests.
12. Take each of your children on a custom-tailored trip that revolves around their interests. Maybe you'll take your budding artist to an art museum, a musician to hear a favorite group in concert, or a future preacher to another city to hear one of the great orators of our day.
13. Family devotions don't have to be a bore! Watch a great movie like 'Amazing Grace.' After the credits roll through, create conversations around the movie themes. Talk about what they saw that aligned with scripture and where the characters did or did not exhibit Godly character. If your kids are younger, pick something that fits their age bracket and unpack that in the same fashion.

Greg Leith is director of business and corporate relations at Biola University. He and his wife Shelley speak to couples on marriage and family issues at the Family Life Marriage conferences, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.